Friday, October 05, 2012

flashbacks

I had a reminder, yesterday, of those last few awful years at The Beast when I was working myself into a burnout in order to ward off the bullies...

Yesterday at noon was the cut-off date and time for the end-of-course writing assignment for my French course. The French course that I have tried, and failed, to complete three times in the past. I was almost-contemplating abandoning it again but some stubborn streak stopped me and so I found myself up late on Wednesday night and taking the morning off work on Thursday in order to complete the penultimate task.

I must have worked very hard and flexed my intellectual muscles almost to their limits because as soon as I had clicked 'submit' on the Open University website, two minutes before the cut-off time, I experienced the kind of total mental exhaustion that was a daily feature of my life in those Beast days.

My ears were ringing, my head was aching and I could not muster a coherent thought and then all of that was replaced by the non-stop thoughts and the frantic firing of neurons that I remembered from the past. I was a total mental wreck but unable to stop my brain from over-heating. I felt like a runaway train heading for the edge of a cliff.

Even several slow walks round the green failed to calm me, unusually because I always  head for the green whenever I need to heal. Yesterday it healed me not.

I considered remaining at home for the rest of the day but such was my mad mental state I thought that a few complex code analyses, blocking some bad IPs and squashing a few phishers would be restful and a welcome distraction and so I headed for the office.

It didn't help. Although the distraction of helping The Cute Translator (remember him?) to make sense of an important techie-speak document for the corporate website by translating it into plain English so that he could translate it into French, provided a pleasant interlude. 

But by yesterday evening I was so exhausted I felt numb and so I spent a mindless evening staring at the TV and sipping cheap, fizzy white wine before collapsing into bed.

This was how my life was at The Beast.
This was the reason why I fled to France.
It was a timely reminder indeed.


I have an oral exam on Monday evening, one more hurdle before I can pat myself on the back and say "Kiddo, you did it. You made it to the end of the course." And though that may not seem like a big achievement to most folk it will be, for me, a personal triumph and once of which I will be proud.

And then in February I will start the final course that will earn me my degree. Which I find amazing! 



          

 

10 comments:

rosemarie said...

Very sorry to read of the "flashbacks", but so happy for you that you did it. Well done you....
un'abbraccio Ro.

Elizabeth Eiffel said...

What an amazing achievement. I am still struggling with beginners level French! I am full of admiration.
Bonne semaine

Mouse said...

Rosemarie, my body is telling me 'Whoa!" Alas I must ignore it for a little while :-)

Mouse said...

Elizabeth, thank you. If you would like to practice your French please let me know, written of oral on Skype would be fun? Bon weekend a toi!

Claudia said...

congratulations on finishing the assignment!! If the green didn't help, maybe a night in the company of friends with lots of laughter might help??

operagirl17 said...

Congratulations on submitting the final exam! I have been thinking of you this week since you have been so quiet. You will be brilliant on Monday! Enjoy many walks on the green this weekend.

Mouse said...

Claudia Thank you. I'm sleeping rather than socialising :-)

Mouse said...

operagirl, merci bien. I'm wearing a new path round the green!

Cait O'Connor said...

Well done.
French is my favourite language ( I am far from fluent!) and I admire your hard work.

Mouse said...

Thank you Cait. French is such a beautiful language, n'est-ce pas?