You know I've always believed that everything that happens is for a reason
And that many, many times during the last 15 months as I've struggled to cope with life back in England, really struggled, my goodness this has been the most testing of a lifetime of challenges, I've questioned Why Am I Here and What The Heck Am I Doing?
Well, once in a while something happens that sheds a little light on the mystery
The curtains of confusion part ever so slightly
The fog clears for a moment
And reveals one more piece of the puzzle
That's how I feel after yesterday
The Someone used to scream at me "You're too soft, too weak, you let people treat you badly, fight fire with fire" until he, too, pushed my love too far and I fled his fury.
I thought I had leapt out of the frying pan and into the fire when I came back
and at times I really felt like a trapped and cornered mouse
Nowhere left to run
But had I not returned and tried once more, had I remained in France, cowering and afraid, I would never have received the reassurance that the events of the past were not my fault
I would have carried the burden of shame and guilt forever
So, perhaps this has been another test of my courage and fortitude
And of my faith
And while I still battle the blues and stumble along this new path alone and without a map
Today I feel stronger and more determined
This is My Life and I am jolly well going to make it special, in my own way
One small mouse really can make a difference
Now, please, as a treat, Let It Snow!
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
an admission
I haven't slept for two nights since the incident at the office
True to form I have been replaying it in my head and asking myself "Did I do anything, anything at all to justify her comments?"
Could I have handled the situation better, nipped it in the bud?
Have I caused her offence somehow?
And mostly, is this how my life will always be, ever the target for bullying behaviour?
Today I had a meeting with my manager
It was a regular, scheduled meeting but I was dreading it
He is rather demanding in his pursuit of excellence and I fear I trail a long way behind the rest
To my surprise he was supportive and kind
Yes, I did the right thing in bringing it to his attention
No, such behaviour is not acceptable
Yes, steps will be taken to ensure that it is not repeated
No, I did nothing wrong
I was reassured
and I'm afraid it takes a lot to reassure me after past experiences
But the best thing was that my colleagues, who all witnessed the incident, spoke out in my defence and when he told me that I almost wept
That never happened at The Beast
No-one stepped in to support me as I burnt-out and fell apart
Not even the colleagues that I had supported so whole-heartedly through difficult personal issues, work challenges, their own problems
Not a single one
I think that is a poor reflection on the managers and the general attitude of the bosses at The Beast, that the people working there lacked the courage to speak out in defence of a colleague. That the climate of fear and insecurity was so strong that they remained silent.
When I applied for this job I had a feeling that my new employer would be different
More ethical, more caring
and definitely not prepared to stand by and watch one of their people be treated badly
I was proved right today
And later in the day another, more senior manager, came up to me as I sat in a quiet corner working and repeated all of those assurances
It is not acceptable and it was not my fault
And when I think back to how people at The Beast behaved I am more convinced than ever that I would have had a rock-solid case for legal action against them because what happened this week, unpleasant and stressful as it was, was nothing compared to that which happened then.
So, I feel as if I have been presented with a wonderful gift
Caring, supportive colleagues
and a manager who listens
and I am very, very thankful
True to form I have been replaying it in my head and asking myself "Did I do anything, anything at all to justify her comments?"
Could I have handled the situation better, nipped it in the bud?
Have I caused her offence somehow?
And mostly, is this how my life will always be, ever the target for bullying behaviour?
Today I had a meeting with my manager
It was a regular, scheduled meeting but I was dreading it
He is rather demanding in his pursuit of excellence and I fear I trail a long way behind the rest
To my surprise he was supportive and kind
Yes, I did the right thing in bringing it to his attention
No, such behaviour is not acceptable
Yes, steps will be taken to ensure that it is not repeated
No, I did nothing wrong
I was reassured
and I'm afraid it takes a lot to reassure me after past experiences
But the best thing was that my colleagues, who all witnessed the incident, spoke out in my defence and when he told me that I almost wept
That never happened at The Beast
No-one stepped in to support me as I burnt-out and fell apart
Not even the colleagues that I had supported so whole-heartedly through difficult personal issues, work challenges, their own problems
Not a single one
I think that is a poor reflection on the managers and the general attitude of the bosses at The Beast, that the people working there lacked the courage to speak out in defence of a colleague. That the climate of fear and insecurity was so strong that they remained silent.
When I applied for this job I had a feeling that my new employer would be different
More ethical, more caring
and definitely not prepared to stand by and watch one of their people be treated badly
I was proved right today
And later in the day another, more senior manager, came up to me as I sat in a quiet corner working and repeated all of those assurances
It is not acceptable and it was not my fault
And when I think back to how people at The Beast behaved I am more convinced than ever that I would have had a rock-solid case for legal action against them because what happened this week, unpleasant and stressful as it was, was nothing compared to that which happened then.
So, I feel as if I have been presented with a wonderful gift
Caring, supportive colleagues
and a manager who listens
and I am very, very thankful
a lost cause
Curious by their TV ads that claim to find you the perfect partner based on the 'deeper things that matter' I just completed a profile questionnaire at eharmony.com
It seems that I am one of the 20% of people for whom they can find no match
Does that make me unique and special
or a lost cause?
It seems that I am one of the 20% of people for whom they can find no match
Does that make me unique and special
or a lost cause?
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
bullies...
When I was struggling with the stress and bullying at The Beast I frequently blamed myself.
I've since been told that this is a common by the victim, along the lines of "I must be doing something wrong for this to be happening to me", whereas the bullies do not spare a second to question their own motives and behaviour, hence they get away with it.
There was one incident during which a junior colleague, one who I had interviewed and mentored, took it upon himself to stand in the middle of an open office and hurl abuse at me while the team leader sat dumb-struck and unable to find the guts to intervene. The junior colleague ranted and raved for a good ten minutes until I fled in tears and suffered a huge panic attack in the confines of the ladies loo.
At the time I thought I was in the wrong but he then did exactly the same thing to another woman a few weeks later so perhaps the issues were his rather than mine.
But on neither occasion did management step in and take him to task
Today a similar situation occured at the office. A senior female colleague took exception to my questioning something, marched up to my desk and stood towering over me as she demanded to know why I was "stressing" and then told me "Do not turn away from Me when I am talking to you". I was so angry I had to go and sit in the car for ten minutes until I'd calmed down and composed myself and then I walked calmly back in and composed an email of complaint to my manager. I explained the events and her reaction, pointed out that I am very 'docile' and easy-going even when others lose their temper and that such behaviour is totally unacceptable. Not only is it demeaning to be spoken to in that manner by a colleague in front of everyone (or even in private) but that it is counter-productive and destroys trust and team-spirit.
I hesitated before sending the email.
Was it my fault?
Then I thought of how she'd behaved the same way towards another, younger woman last week and caused her a great deal of distress and I hit 'send'
My manager responded quickly.
He will talk with the other managers and try to ensure that it doesn't happen again
I still felt bad
I don't do conflict
and no-one wants to be seen to be a trouble-maker
But I have been bullied once too often and that lady is not going to speak to me like that again!
and then, when I was fretting about the whole incident my manager sent me a message
"Are you ok?"
and yes, I really WAS ok
I've since been told that this is a common by the victim, along the lines of "I must be doing something wrong for this to be happening to me", whereas the bullies do not spare a second to question their own motives and behaviour, hence they get away with it.
There was one incident during which a junior colleague, one who I had interviewed and mentored, took it upon himself to stand in the middle of an open office and hurl abuse at me while the team leader sat dumb-struck and unable to find the guts to intervene. The junior colleague ranted and raved for a good ten minutes until I fled in tears and suffered a huge panic attack in the confines of the ladies loo.
At the time I thought I was in the wrong but he then did exactly the same thing to another woman a few weeks later so perhaps the issues were his rather than mine.
But on neither occasion did management step in and take him to task
Today a similar situation occured at the office. A senior female colleague took exception to my questioning something, marched up to my desk and stood towering over me as she demanded to know why I was "stressing" and then told me "Do not turn away from Me when I am talking to you". I was so angry I had to go and sit in the car for ten minutes until I'd calmed down and composed myself and then I walked calmly back in and composed an email of complaint to my manager. I explained the events and her reaction, pointed out that I am very 'docile' and easy-going even when others lose their temper and that such behaviour is totally unacceptable. Not only is it demeaning to be spoken to in that manner by a colleague in front of everyone (or even in private) but that it is counter-productive and destroys trust and team-spirit.
I hesitated before sending the email.
Was it my fault?
Then I thought of how she'd behaved the same way towards another, younger woman last week and caused her a great deal of distress and I hit 'send'
My manager responded quickly.
He will talk with the other managers and try to ensure that it doesn't happen again
I still felt bad
I don't do conflict
and no-one wants to be seen to be a trouble-maker
But I have been bullied once too often and that lady is not going to speak to me like that again!
and then, when I was fretting about the whole incident my manager sent me a message
"Are you ok?"
and yes, I really WAS ok
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Left in the dark and out in the cold
The electricity just went off..
In France I would have wandered outside to discuss the state of affairs with a cluster of neighbours, we would have all agreed that the fault was not our own and shaken our heads at the inefficiency of EDF, wondered why we couldn't just tap into the 15 turbines of our commune's wind farm and then use it as an opportunity to pop into someone's house for a glass of Ricard and a few nibbles by candlelight.
Then I would have come home, lit a few scented candles and put another log on the fire and settled down to read a book or play my flute
Such events are common in rural Brittany and to be expected
In England there is no such community spirit
At least not in the street where I live
The neighbours on one side have only spoken to me once to complain about the dogs barking.
The others regularly traipse along my drive to unbolt their gate or send their kids in to the garden to collect their football without even a please or thank you or even a nod
If I see them outside the look right through me
It seems that I am invisible
Or not quite posh enough
So when the lights just went out and my computer died I was left feeling very alone and unloved and wishing desperately to be back in my bit of Brittany
The people there may have modest little houses but they don't have crippling mortgages...
They may drive small, old cars but they're not maxed-out on credit cards...
They don't stagger home from the shops under the weight of a morning's impluse buying...
And they don't feel the need to pretend to be that which they are not
Vive La Bretagne!
But never mind The Snobs
GZ has published pictures of ponies for me on her blog!
And silly me, I spent a good ten minutes chosing one for my Christmas stocking!
(It's ok Santa, I have had a very large stocking all ready and waiting for most of my life)
Thank You GZ!
In France I would have wandered outside to discuss the state of affairs with a cluster of neighbours, we would have all agreed that the fault was not our own and shaken our heads at the inefficiency of EDF, wondered why we couldn't just tap into the 15 turbines of our commune's wind farm and then use it as an opportunity to pop into someone's house for a glass of Ricard and a few nibbles by candlelight.
Then I would have come home, lit a few scented candles and put another log on the fire and settled down to read a book or play my flute
Such events are common in rural Brittany and to be expected
In England there is no such community spirit
At least not in the street where I live
The neighbours on one side have only spoken to me once to complain about the dogs barking.
The others regularly traipse along my drive to unbolt their gate or send their kids in to the garden to collect their football without even a please or thank you or even a nod
If I see them outside the look right through me
It seems that I am invisible
Or not quite posh enough
So when the lights just went out and my computer died I was left feeling very alone and unloved and wishing desperately to be back in my bit of Brittany
The people there may have modest little houses but they don't have crippling mortgages...
They may drive small, old cars but they're not maxed-out on credit cards...
They don't stagger home from the shops under the weight of a morning's impluse buying...
And they don't feel the need to pretend to be that which they are not
Vive La Bretagne!
But never mind The Snobs
GZ has published pictures of ponies for me on her blog!
And silly me, I spent a good ten minutes chosing one for my Christmas stocking!
(It's ok Santa, I have had a very large stocking all ready and waiting for most of my life)
Thank You GZ!
Saturday, December 05, 2009
the morning after...
I am feeling relaxed and chilled-out
and very appreciative of my weekend without work
I spent a lovely evening with M.
Honestly, being with him was like an aromatherapy massage by moonlight
There was a fire in the pub where we ate and the place wasn't full of kids swilling beer and the fried fish in beer batter was crunchy and the Guiness cold and rich
and hey, he likes stone circles and Glastonbury and silver bangles, I bet he'd enjoy a walk at the Landes de Locarn....
This morning I walked the dogs in a water-logged field but the moon was hanging in a water colour blue sky and all of a sudden the sun rose over the trees and made me smile...
Simple pleasures, lovely treasures
n'est-ce pas?
Friday, December 04, 2009
nostalgia
Reading GZ's blog over here and her offer to makea pot for me to buy brought back bitter-sweet memories
The Someone is a carpenter and a wizard with wood and one day we went to Big Matt to chose some wood so that I could make a coffee table for the lounge at the FVH.
The men at Big Matt had grown accustomed to our regular visits..
I used to take him there when he needed to relax and wander amongst the wood
A little like me at The Gorge amongst the trees
Except that mine were still breathing...
You know, I can't remember the name of the wood we chose ...
But I recall him working in the sunshine in the couryard because of course I was never going to be permitted to make my own coffee table...
He was going to carve a snowflake and a mouse on it. Just for me
We were finished before the coffee table
But when I returned to my home in France last Easter for a very sad and brief visit I found an almost-finished table in the dining room...
Of course, he'd found another woman by then and was busy making coffee tables for her I daresay, and I was left standing staring at the incomplete table with tears in my eyes
You know, one day I will go home to France and I will finish that coffee table myself
The sun rises and the sun sets...
Hearts break and hearts heal...
Life goes on
The Someone is a carpenter and a wizard with wood and one day we went to Big Matt to chose some wood so that I could make a coffee table for the lounge at the FVH.
The men at Big Matt had grown accustomed to our regular visits..
I used to take him there when he needed to relax and wander amongst the wood
A little like me at The Gorge amongst the trees
Except that mine were still breathing...
You know, I can't remember the name of the wood we chose ...
But I recall him working in the sunshine in the couryard because of course I was never going to be permitted to make my own coffee table...
He was going to carve a snowflake and a mouse on it. Just for me
We were finished before the coffee table
But when I returned to my home in France last Easter for a very sad and brief visit I found an almost-finished table in the dining room...
Of course, he'd found another woman by then and was busy making coffee tables for her I daresay, and I was left standing staring at the incomplete table with tears in my eyes
You know, one day I will go home to France and I will finish that coffee table myself
The sun rises and the sun sets...
Hearts break and hearts heal...
Life goes on
barefoot, exhausted and in the kitchen
if I am not here some days I'm over at the cookery blog -->
I set myself a challenge to cook a different dinner a day
coping by cooking
that's me!
I set myself a challenge to cook a different dinner a day
coping by cooking
that's me!
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
not meeting people....
Do you remember The Date That Wasn't A Date?
The guy who emailed daily, long, chatty emails...
The one I met once and who continued to send long, chatty emails...
Until he disappeared to Africa
Well, this Friday I have another Date
I am kind of thinking this may be A Date That Is A Date
But who knows?
It's such an odd way of meeting people
We exchange long chatty emails and get to know each other from a distance
In the cold world of cyberspace
A virtual encounter
We probably know as much about each other as 'normal couples' discover after weeks of dating
But we've never met
I wonder if I am more attractive on email
and when we meet in real life...
It is a very odd way of meeting people
This not meeting
But on Friday we will meet
I have no expectations, no pre-conceptions
Of this Date That May Be A Date
I wonder if he feels the same?
I just have an overwhelming desire to hug him!
The guy who emailed daily, long, chatty emails...
The one I met once and who continued to send long, chatty emails...
Until he disappeared to Africa
Well, this Friday I have another Date
I am kind of thinking this may be A Date That Is A Date
But who knows?
It's such an odd way of meeting people
We exchange long chatty emails and get to know each other from a distance
In the cold world of cyberspace
A virtual encounter
We probably know as much about each other as 'normal couples' discover after weeks of dating
But we've never met
I wonder if I am more attractive on email
and when we meet in real life...
It is a very odd way of meeting people
This not meeting
But on Friday we will meet
I have no expectations, no pre-conceptions
Of this Date That May Be A Date
I wonder if he feels the same?
I just have an overwhelming desire to hug him!
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