seeing the light...

No, not the small flickering candle of progress at work, though that is one that I carefully safeguard to ensure it keeps burning in these dark days, no seeing the light as in "Of course!"

Talking therapy, analysis, however you wish to describe the methods employed by mental health professionals to 'fix' the anxious and depressed mind, and my recent explorations into new fields, new topics, new areas, it's all the same really, isn't it?

I mean They train the mind to adopt a more positive and healthy outlook which must mean redirecting the thoughts along new pathways which is precisely what learning does

I don't think I'm explaining this very well...

Look at it this way
When a person is depressed their brain becomes a kind of dead-end and all of their thoughts and energy ends up at The Stop Sign, worse than that, often falling off the edge of a cliff.
They are unable to experience and to enjoy anything new because they are mentally either teetering on the edge or else piled up in a crash

So the trick with counselling is to steer their thoughts away from the edge, the dead end of despair, and to lead them into new paths

Is that better?

Well, art, literature, languages, new areas to explore also open up new pathways that lead the brain away from that edge and dead end

This is probably so obvious to most of you but to me it is a revelation, remember, I have been at the edge for many months.

So, to save the health service money and to cure the country's depressed folk I am advocating a few simples measures:

1. Read a book, not a self-help manual but something absorbing and delightful, one of the many accounts of a new life in another land do it for me everytime...


2. Listen to one of the BBC's excellent radio programmes, you know which one has me captivated right now...

3. Watch one of their iPlayer programmes about chemistry, maths, Iranian food, whatever, it matters not so long as something in it sparks your interest...

4. Pick a subject that fascinates you and explore it in depth, collect pictures, facts, learn more about it, my Delving Deep posts do that for me...

5. Go to a museum, an art gallery and wander randomly, I recommend The Ashmolean, The Natural History Museum and The Louvre which are my favourite haunts...

6. Hug a tree. There is something so solid and reassuring about trees that makes hugging them almost as comforting as a hug from your mother...

7. Learn a new language. Ok that's a personal favourite and not everyone's cup of tea but maybe I should have said learn a new skill ...

8. Keep a blog so that you can reach out to others all over the world

Most of the above can be done alone when you are not feeling sociable, from the safety of your own home when you are not feeling brave and cost nothing (except maybe the air fare to Paris)

Does it all sound a little crazy, or does it make sense?
Well, for one little mouse it is working wonders

When I was burnt-out I fled to France and entered a whole new world and that saved my sanity. When The Someone reduced my self-confidence and trust to ashes I returned to England and a new career and that saved my sanity. When problems here became too much for me to face I turned to books, the BBC, the museums and that is saving me now

So, what's the worst that can happen if you try the above?
You'll become more educated and knowledgeable and if you still need to talk to a therapist your sessions will be livelier and interesting

But I suspect that you really won't need them
Despite everything that has been going on in my life recently the howl of the Black Dog has been replaced by the lovely voice of Neil MacGregor, director of The British Museum.
If only he knew...

A History Of The World In 100 Objects

motivation...

Years from now, when I look back on this time in England, hopefully from the peace and security of my home in France, when I recall the problems and the stresses and all of the nights when I lay in bed anxiously trying to hide from my fears under the duvet, when I look back on these days I will say a huge Thank You to the BBC.

Why?
Because the amazing world of BBC iPlayer has been a wonderful place that I have visited often.
I have learnt more chemistry than I ever acquired during years of studying it at school...
More maths than I ever thought I could master...
More of other countries and other cultures than I could if I spent the rest of my life travelling...
More history than I ever knew...
And then there are the I Don't Believe In... programmes that have made me wonder...

And as for the radio
Well, A History Of The World In 100 Objects has opened up a whole new world for me
And not only that, in sitting at my desk each morning before I plunge into the evil world of cyber baddies, and after reading my daily French meditation, I close my eyes and listen to one of the podcasts from the programme.

The music is relaxing, the voice of the presenter is as a massage for the ears, the topics are fascinating and, what's more, something about the series exercises my imagination and opens up my mind in a way that astounds me.
After my morning rituals I find my brain fires in new and amazing ways, I am more intuitive, more inquisitive and much more able to focus on the tasks in hand.

That my new employer permits us to listen to our music as we work is wonderful
That I can sit and take in these programmes as I delve into the complex code and the evil mindest of the Bad Guys, is a gift
And as an added bonus, being transported into a whole new world is a perfect antidote to the depression and anxiety that often plagues me

I love the BBC
Thank You Auntie Beeb!

If anyone overseas is unable to download the podcasts and would like to listen please leave a comment, I will happily email you a copy, virus-free, of course
I don't think there are any legal restrictions on my doing so?

small bites

Sometimes life can be overwhelming
So much to do, so many domestic admin tasks to tackle
So many complications
Not to mention the medical and health stuff

Recently I have become an ostrich rather than a mouse

I have felt so burdened by bureaucracy (French), so awed by admin, so exhausted by everything that I have taken to humming La La La and ignoring it all
Especially the medical and health stuff
Which is really, really dumb

Because when things are ignored minor tasks become huge issues
and they never disappear, no matter how tightly I screw up my eyes and pull the duvet over my head and hum La La La

So today I am vowing to quit trying to hide
To come out from under the duvet and sort out the mountain of tasks
And to start staying on top of that mountain in future

I am making a list
Which is pretty scarey when I see it all written down
This bill, that French department, those blood tests...
And I am going to break the mountain down into smaller, more accessible hills
And then climb one a day
Without the aid of a duvet

I am also going to start sowing a few seeds
Seeds that may, if I take care to plant them carefully, nurture and nourish them, grow into a new plan that could, possibly, see me back in France amongst my friends, in my own home, back where I belong...

On verra
Please,wish me courage ,wisdom and a large dollop of common sense!
And someone, hide my duvet!

at the arrivals gate...

I hate February!

I have to admit that so far this winter has not been as bleak as I had feared, for which I thank the heavens for sending us plenty of snow in which the dogs and I played daily. It was amazing how everyone reacted to that snow, it seemed as if the whole village was out in the morning hush walking on snow-covered roads in a winter wonderland marvelling at the beauty of it. A woman who lives a few houses from me even crept out in the dead of night to build a Frosty on my drive and that made me smile for days.

When The Rags were young I used to read a book to them called "January Brings The Snow" and this year it certainly did. Thank you!

But February is a tough month.
The snow has melted, even the small patch that I was protecting on the drive has slipped away
The days are still short and grey and damp
Spring seems far away

I always expect spring to start checking-in for an early flight from the warm south, I stand at the arrivals gate eagerly anticipating her arrival on runway 1 and, of course, I am always disappointed.
Some years she is delayed at the departure gate
Sometimes she is diverted to another airport
Once or twice she spent so long in duty-free she missed her flight

So February, which is really too early for spring, is a dark and wet month
Fortunately it is short
I suspect that's a deliberate ploy to ensure we make it to March

If I had the funds I would spend February in Finland
23 days to go
and counting!

would you, if you could?

Swap your life for that of someone else?

This question is often in my mind when I read of the happy, fulfilled lives of others.
All their tales of family and friends and frequent travel and adventures..
And especially when I hear of long, happy marriages, growing old together in a cosy little nest

Sometimes it feels as if everyone else is making a success of their lives while I struggle daily with seemingly insurmountable trials and tribulations.
Alone.

I heard on the news that a loyal and supportive partner is a safeguard against depression, dementia and a whole host of other ailments
That people suffering from cancer, heart disease etc survive longer if they are half of a couple
It makes a great deal of sense, doesn't it?
We all need to be loved.
Love cures a great many problems.

Yesterday evening, as I pottered in the kitchen cooking a dinner that the dogs ended up eating, I asked myself that question

"Would I swap this life?"
Well, I don't suppose many people would wish to swap with me right now, but even if I could find someone I decided that No, I wouldn't swap
To swap would mean to lose my Rags for a start and that I would never do
It would also mean losing all of that which has made me who I am, faults, failings and all.
Which is not to say I wouldn't mind shedding a few of the bad things that have happened...
Unfaithful lovers, a complacent husband, Mr Angry
not to mention The Bullies
But still, taking everything into account I wouldn't swap

Though it would be nice to take the occasional day as someone else
Just long enough to relax, stop worrying and have fun
Would YOU swap your life?

climbing...

You know, when life is really an uphill struggle and it feels as if the Universe is conspiring to roll you back down the hill...
When every faltering step forward is followed by three steps back...
When the top of the mountain seems so far away and you feel small and helpless...
All you can really do is grit your teeth, pull up your socks and keep climbing

I tell myself that this is A Test
The latest of many that I have to face with faith and overcome with courage
And that eventually it will all get easier

So when I feel desperate and alone and very, very anxious I comfort myself with the knowledge that one day this too shall pass

Do you remember how I struggled with the new career?
How I thought (and so did my manager) that I would never master the new tricks and skills?
Those nights when I came home exhausted and demoralised?
The mountain I had to climb just to stay in my new role?
Well, work is going well and all of a sudden I am valued for my contribution as well as my team-building skills, silly humour and cakes

So when everything seems bleak and hopeless I remind myself of where I was one year ago
And how much I have learned in the last twelve months
And all the baddies I have taken on and beaten
And it is as a little candle shining in the dark
Not much, not enough to light my whole life, but one small candle is better than total darkness
n'est-ce pas?

Today The Translator met me by the coffee machine
"Bonjour" he said quietly
I was tongue-tied and blushing, I said nothing...
When I got back to my desk I sent him an e-mail
"bonjour"
in very small print

I explained that sometimes I am rather shy and mouse-like
I did not let on that it only happens when I am confronted by an attractive French translator
"In that case we must get to know each other and then you will not be shy"
he replied, in French
And I knocked my tea over my keyboard

Little moments like that are precious

on faith...

There are days when I despair
Days when life seems to be so difficult
Days when Fate seems intent on scattering obstacles before my feet as I stumble along this path
Days when I feel so small and so feeble that I doubt my ability to cope

Recently there have been a great many such days

But somehow I seem to be growing stronger
To be acquiring a wisdom that astounds me
To be finding the strength to face these trials and tribulations and master them
To be able to go on day after day

A few weeks ago I told myself very firmly "No more anxiety, no more fear, no more tears"
When life threatens to overwhelm me I will take a deep breath and stand tall
Well as tall as a small woman can stand..

It really is true that that which doesn't break us makes us stronger
I suspect that once this path comes to an end I will be very strong indeed
Which means that when I set out on the next path, and my life will always be one of new paths to discover and new challenges to face, then I will be sure-footed and wise enough to cope with anything

Faith
It may not really move mountains but it certainly makes it easier to climb a few!

Se questo è un uomo....

This Sunday morning I sat in bed sipping a nice cup of tea and scribbling a few chapters of the book.

As ever when I am in bed the radio was on...
I go to bed listening to BBC Radio 4
On nights when sleep eludes me I lie in my warm bed and listen to The BBC World Service broadcasts until finally morning comes and I can escape
The BBC is sometimes my life-line

This morning as I sat in bed I heard the Sunday Worship programme
Not the usual service from some church
This week it was a journey of discovery to Auschwitz to mark the Holocaust Memorial Day last Wednesday

I have always been interested in Judaism, I've read a great deal about the history of the Jews and their beliefs, and I was always deeply moved, although sadly, like many people, my love affair with Israel ended when that previously brave little state of idealists and freedom fighters grew up to be a bully and a tyrant

But I have sat and wept through the entire showing of Shoah
I have read many books on The Holocaust
I have visited Yad Vashem
I have seen the concentration camp numbers on the arms of old men


This morning I found that BBC programme horrifying
The bleakness of Auschwitz seemed to seep into the room and touch me. It must truly be the most evil place on the planet.
The pain filled my heart
I'm sorry, for once I can't find the words....

Where was God?
Where WAS God!

שְׁמַע יִשְׂרָאֵל‎